February 2025

A Late February Entry

Well, February is over. Usually the beginning of the year is really hard for me, but this last month was really nice. I went on a few adventures, saw a really well done play, got my film from the last year developed, and celebrated a new holiday me and my friends made up! All in all, this month was pretty great, and I'm really grateful for the people in my life that made it that way.

This month, I didn't watch that many movies as I've been so busy rehearsing for the spring musical at my university. We get back home afterwards really late so my spare time has been filled with doing reading homework. Thankfully I've enjoyed the books we're reading for class, and I've been able to fit a couple leisurely reads in there as well. So this month's newsletter will be a little short.

Film

500 Days of Summer

I've always been interested in the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope and became attached to several movies that employed this type of female character. I became especially attached to 500 Days of Summer and I have seen it upwards of fifteen times. It’s definitely one of my all-time favorites.

Here's the thing--I don't think Summer is a manic pixie dream girl, but I think that Tom tries to make her into one. She is up front and honest about her feelings, and may have gotten a little lost in the moment but she was always straightforward with him about what she wanted, especially with what she didn't want. I sort of wish that Tom got a character arc where he ended up understanding that she wasn't the villain in his story and that he was in the wrong, but that's too much to ask from a movie made by a man in 2009.

Regardless, because of my infatuation with the manic pixie dream girl, I sort of became one. I rejected pink as a color to be worn and decorated with, I started getting really into film, I had more guy friends than girl friends, and I used to read while walking down the school hallways (yep, I was that girl). I wanted to be mysterious and different and desirable. Guys never asked me out in high school. In retrospect, it was probably because I was loud and intimidating and condescending toward the boys I knew. And now, as an out lesbian I no longer want that kind of attention from them--but at the time? I couldn't understand why I wasn't being asked out. I was what they wanted, right? The quirky girl from the movies? Right?

Later I understood this was actually a blessing in disguise because any time I actually went out with a guy I didn't feel anything for him and then panicked about not feeling anything, and then unfortunate events ensued. I wish I could go back and just tell my younger self she was gay and that's why everything felt so fucked up, but I don't have a time machine and honestly she needed all that time to figure it out--it built character!! I think I'm better off after experiencing all of that; all the mistakes I made definitely made me a better and more empathetic person. So, to young Madison, keep learning guitar, ask those boys you don't like on dates, and wear that same pair of jeans every day. I’m rooting for you!

Matilda

I don't know about ya'll, but I become a baby when I'm sick. I think I become more needy because it feels like the one time I can ask for help.

Deep down, however, I think I always want to be taken care of but hate asking for it. I like to think of myself as a very self-sufficient person and I really don't like asking for help when I need it because I worry that then people will think I don't know how to do anything for myself. But when someone brings me soup or refills my water when I'm sick, I get really emotional.

I think it's a common issue, this finding it difficult to ask for help thing. I really struggle with showing my weaknesses to other people, and don't want anyone to know that I'm anything less than perfectly independent. If I come across as self-reliant, then I come across as more adult. More of an adult, and less of a scared child in an adult's body. Then, no one will baby me. But when I'm sick? That's the perfect excuse to let someone take care of me. I love to complain about my congestion, hog the television, and ask my roommate to do menial tasks for me. It's the one time my brain lets me indulge, and I milk that shit to the millionth degree. Once I'm no longer sick, its back into self-sufficient mode I go.

To my best friends reading this, thanks for dealing with me when I'm sick.

The Fly

Winter is depressing. We all know this. There's even a title for the way people get more depressed in the winter--seasonal affective disorder. People just tend to get melancholy during the months where there's less sunlight and, if you live in Washington like I do, more rainy and gray.

Because of this, Z and I invented a holiday to celebrate every February to chase away the winter blues and make things a little more fun. We called it Jubeelant Day, and it's a celebration of bugs and insects. The activities are as follows:

Dress up as bugs
Eat bug themed snacks ('dirt' chocolate cake with gummy works, caterpillar fruit skewers, you get the picture)
Bug themed crafts (we made antennae to wear and keychains)
Make a terrarium, find a bug to put in it, and sing 'fireflies' by Owl City to it. Let it go afterwards.
Get tequila drunk and run in the grass outside
Watch a bug themed movie (we decided on The Fly starring Jeff Goldblum)

We decided that our friend group would celebrate this holiday every year to fight the winter 'depresh sesh' and now have a small collection of bug themed party decor. I am looking forward to next year's celebration already!

Literature

I read a lot this month which feels like a triumph! I have been trying to read before bed to make it easier to fall asleep since I've been having some trouble with that. Reading a book plus taking a magnesium gummy has really helped, and it meant that I read more books in a month than I usually do. I read four books, but I'm going to talk about two of them.

Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys

Storygraph Review: "Interesting to read literary fanfiction"

I read this for class. We watched Jane Eyre and then read this-it's the story of Rochester's first wife.

I loved the writing in this book and how intoxicating it was. I felt like I was spinning around the whole time I was reading it. I also loved the difference between the two characters' point of views. When Antoinette was narrating, she was descriptive and poetic and romantic, but when Rochester was narrating, he was cold and unfeeling. It shows just how much he hates the situation he's in, so much so that he doesn't even want to describe how beautiful the place he's in is.

Something that I also liked about this book was how it's basically fan fiction, but because it was published in the 60s, it's considered literary fiction. But this book is literally about Rochester and his first wife--that's fan fiction, baby. And honestly, I really enjoyed it.

What Mother Won't Tell Me by Ivar Leon Menger

Storygraph Review: "I would say I enjoyed it, but I would not say it was well written"

Picture this: you're sitting in a small living room with your friends in your apartment in college and you're trying to do homework--but the friend next to you who's reading a book keeps exclaiming every five minutes. Are you annoyed? Or are you wishing that you were reading the book instead?

This is a very real example of a random weeknight reading this book. Was the writing amazing? No, not really. The story??? These twists and turns had me commentating out loud even while reading alone.

I love a thriller novel, and I absolutely inhaled this one at a speed that I can only compare to how fast I read books when I was in middle school. I feel like I've become a much slower reader over time, but this book was an exception. I had read maybe 20 pages one day, and then the next day I finished it in about an hour.

While the plotline was awesome and had me absoluted RIVETED, there were some moments where the writing fell kind of flat or the language didn't make sense for the character. Other than that, I would give this a five star reading experience. SO fun.

Misc

Everything bagels with garlic feta cream cheese, dancing so hard your pants rip at the club, turkey havarti paninis, being honest with your psychiatrist, trying new recipes, parties where you know practically no one, leaving said parties to drunkenly watch horror films, frolicking in the forest, skipping class because it's snowing, celebrating bugs and insects, and seeing local theatre with your friends.

Thanks for reading!